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Passion Perhaps?

I am pining over a hobby. Seriously.
The group that I hung around/sang with and grew fond of over the summer had a show on Sunday. I didn't go because I couldn't afford the gas and because I'm fighting with my mother over this very subject. And I've been moping about not going. I knew I really wanted to go, but I didn't realize how much it bothers me to not do things related to barbershop when I have the chance to. I just spend almost two hours going through videos, pictures, and quartet websites all over the internet - just browsing through endless, random, barbershop related materials.
It's scary to say that this fascination with Harmony is deepening all the time. I can't believe I'm using this word, but I am legitimately yearning for it. I think about on a truly daily basis and I have this little pang in my chest when I looks it pics and thing "I could have been there".
The hard part becomes that my best and closest resource is my mother and she, frankly put, does not want to share. She's been involved in barbershop for years, she had one of the most fantastic quartets EVER, and she's so incredibly popular within the Harmony Inc. organization. She is the one that sparked my interest in high school by taking a bunch of her students to a barbershop workshop kind of thing. Now, though, she's had some problems with people she used to sing with and truly with her own self-esteem, so singing isn't what it used to be for her. I hate to say this, but she's wallowing. She could be out there kicking ass again (she's incredible at what she does), but she's playing it safe and won't put in the time and effort it takes.
How this affects me: She keeps feigning disinterest in barbershop in general, when the issue really is that she doesn't want to go and be a part of anything unless it involves her singing with her quartet which she is supposedly not ready to do. I guess when it comes down to it, she doesn't want to be involved unless it's about her. Sad to say, but honest. I wanted her to go the show with my on Sunday and she absolutely would not. Excuse after excuse (never the same). You would have thought I was asking her to go have a root canal just for the hell of it. All she could think about was how it would make her feel and how she didn't want to go. I can't seem to get her to see that I love to do things like this with her, because she has a good time (though she won't admit to it for anything) and because I learn so much from her. I really feel that with my lack of experience and knowledge this is going to be an extremely difficult road without her. I need her for this.

For years now I've had this silly dream of singing barbershop with my mother. Just for fun, just for the sheer pleasure of it. And I'm realizing now that this is one of those dreams you have to let go of, because it just can't be. I have a dream now of singing barbershop. Period. That's going to be a long way off. It will be very bitter-sweet if I ever get to where I want to be within it. As it stands at the moment neither my mother or myself can mention barbershop, singing, or any people related to it without a fight and/or tears ensuing. It SUCKS. It seems to me that she thinks she has exclusive rights over the attention in our family. She's all for encouraging me to do it as long as she's not a part of it with me. That just doesn't work. We have this shared hobby, passion, love of something and we can't talk about it.
I suppose I CAN do it without her. I don't know how. I don't know if that's strictly true, but I will try. I am just having the hardest time in the world with the feeling that I have to choose between doing something that makes me feel better than anything I've ever done, something I am unearthing an incredible passion for and attachment to, and having a decent and comfortable relationship with my mother.

I don't know what to do.


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