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Jan. 1st, 2010

How royally bitter-sweet was New Year's Eve. As always it was great to do Christmas with my grandparents on my Dad's side. Home made pizza and gifts and in general great company. However this year I was helping out with cooking in the kitchen and I happened to look at the fridge where the list of birthdays and anniversaries that is sent out each year was hanging. I just made it onto that list a couple of years ago. Now, interesting, I am gone from it again. Then after all the gifts were handed out my grandmother handed out three more gifts. One to each of my brothers and one to my parents together. It was something my Dad's oldest sister had done. Amazing gift really. There is apparently a company where you can send in what you want and they make a book for you. You get to pick the content and the set up and everything and they have the books printed up for you and sent to you. It was all the Misner family recipes and old and new photos intermingled and it had recipes from all of the family members. It was cool to see a book with your parents' names in it and recipes you've seen them make a bunch of times and to see all kinds of old recipes from people you never knew really. Then my grandmother proceeds to tell us all how Chris had one made up for everyone in the family ALL the children and ALL the grandchildren. Nice. I don't count anymore.
I shouldn't be that upset. I told my mother this was the way it would turn out. The moment I moved out I would be erased. I suppose I have not truly been erased, but my status, such as it was, has been removed for certain. I guess, to all of them (on both sides really) I have been nothing more than a charity case for the last 5 1/2 years and they assumed the moment I moved out of the house I would disappear, because I have only been in this house for the purpose of mooching and using. Or perhaps it's not even that malicious, perhaps they just don't care and don't view my excommunication as truly big deal. I have to be honest though, despite all the difficulties I had in the beginning with fitting in and finding my place and learning to truly be a part of the family, I can say without a doubt that I have not in 5 1/2 years ever felt that put out, crossed out, and spit on. Because of where I was sitting I could not really get up and go out of the room, so I had to sit for probably 15 minutes while everyone went through the book and oohed and aahed and teared up. It was really awesome. Had I been included I would have been in tears as well for being given something so magical and meaningful. I just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. I would rather have been ANYWHERE for those minutes - dentist chair, doctor's office...I would rather have gotten my leg amputated than sit through that event.
And yet there is nothing to be done. It goes in the hurt vault. One of those many unchangeable, unhealable injuries that won't go away, but it does no good to hold onto. If I stop going to family gatherings and such to avoid feeling this way it will only cause more trouble and dysfunction. So that's out. If I try to speak my mind or write letters it will likely have the same outcome. So I cried my eyes out in the bathroom for a few minutes when we got back to the house. That has to be the end. It will do me no good to harbor the pain and dwell on it. It happened last year after all. ;) This is a perfect lesson in rising above and that is what I want this year to be about.

So I continue to love. I continue to be what I am day in and day out. I will still be grateful every single day to know and share in the lives of EVERYONE I know. Even the ones who seem to care so little or seem to think less of me or misunderstand me. I will be better every single day no matter what tries to stand in my way. Live every moment. Laugh when you want to cry. And love everything you can fit in your heart!

_William Shakespeare_

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