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I will be okay. I will eventually be more than okay.
When I read the supportive comments from my friends or talk to them about what is going on in my life I am continually amazed at the reaching out, helping, and general encouragement. All that I thought I was supposed to get from my family I am getting solely from my beautiful second family of friends.

It occurred to me just now that this probably an age old battle. This is the generational difference that everyone faces. But I don't ever want to be like that when I get older and have children. I realize that I have never thought of my parents as old before this most recent issue. I sincerely hope that close-mindedness is not an unavoidable consequence of aging. I don't want to have to face losing my belief, hope, love, and understanding simply because I have decided to be a grown up. I hate to think that I would lack faith in my child simply because I do not understand their choices or because I would not do what they choose. That is beautiful in my mind. I can't see anything but greatness in having your child grow up to be something different than you are, in having them stand up and say this is what I am and what I want and prove that they have a mind of their own. I will never agree with everything they do - I would scarcely be a parent then, but I can't imagine not letting them have the chance. My home will always be a haven and they will stay as many times as they want if they are moving forward and discovering and growing.

The more I have time to think on all of this the more I realize that I was the cause of problems in the home. I want always for things to be better. I believe in fixing and so when a problem arose I always wanted to talk, I always wanted to better and understand - all of us. And so because I could never sweep under the rug, because I could not swallow all the hurts nor watch everyone around me be hurt, yes, there was more to face. But what comes of this is that I made myself the scapegoat again. I have admitted all of my troubles in the past, I have acknowledged that I have hurt and that I have caused much upheaval and chaos in my young years. In doing that I have allowed each and every wound and upset in that house to be layed upon my shoulders. My mother even told me the other day that the boys don't fight as much since I have been gone. THIS kind of thing is what finally puts me over the edge into the anger that I didn't initially feel. FUCK YOU the boys won't fight when I'm not there. One is 10 the other is going to be 13 on Christmas, they are brothers, they DO fight. It's just handled differently now, which is none of my concern and I don't care to know about it, but don't tell me that I cause that too. How about taking some responsibility. How about getting off my case because you are unhappy and won't fix it, deal with it, or even admit it.

I'm in emotional limbo for the first time in quite a while. Not that I'm necessarily confused about how I feel, but there is too much conflicting within those feelings and I cannot choose a plan of action (which is rarely the case for me). Mom invited me over Wednesday night since I am going to be in town and it is my birthday. I don't know if I want to go. I mean, I WANT to, but should I? CAN? How do I look them in the face when I know what they think of me? How to do I let all of their bullshit contradictions go? {we support you, but we don't want you to do this. you can't live here, but I want to go apartment hunting with you. we don't think you're a bitch, but you can't move in because you're mean and we're all unhappy when you're here. we love you, but we don't really want you around so much. I'm proud of you, but I think what you're doing is foolish} Seriously. I don't know how to look at them. I don't know how to let them get away with hurting me so much by just sitting there and having a "good time" when I know what they have said and it's not fair and I have not had the chance to speak for myself among them all. I don't know how to sit there and feel like something second-rate - I said I wouldn't do that again. I didn't realize so long ago that sometimes that is the price of love - not feeling good enough. (I don't really believe that).

This world is too concerned with tit for tat. My parents are too busy wanting to tell me that I have hurt them too and that I do wrong sometimes that they can't ever see that I have been hurt too and they too do wrong. It becomes almost like a justification and an excuse to continue. "You hurt me because...." and they response "Well you do the same thing." That makes it okay? That means that I alone must change it and you are not obligated to do a thing? It's not just them though, I guess I see that in a lot of people and in a lot of behaviors ever day.

I don't know. I just think I'm mourning the fact that I can't be close to my family the way I once was. I suspect that this is just a period of time to get through. I can't see a rift between my mother and I forever. But with the others - the other one, I think the damage done. I think that I have taken all the relentless lecturing, resentment, and condescending treatment that I am going to take without his apologies. My mother and I do disagree passionately, we row gloriously, but it serves a purpose and she will at times bend in her heart and admit wrong doing enough to soothe me from time to time. Tom never does. He apologizes probably more than he once did, but not nearly enough. He apologizes half-heartedly and in such a way that you have payed for every word. I don't know what it is that makes him so doggedly pursue his same treatment of me, but I have my theories that I am not at liberty to share lest I be acting like psychologist again.


Okay how about better things? Or at least different ones?

I am having a moment where I know I should be panicking, but I am wondering at this point if I am even capable of that reaction anymore. I don't have a job to go back to in Waterville any more. The Starbucks has hired as many people as it can at the moment and there is no room for me. The upshot is that if anyone leaves and I am rehired within a year I can get my same pay rate! It might be a bit unkind, but I am hoping that the trend of turn-over in that store holds up for just a bit longer! I had my mother looking into an Ed Tech position or two in the area (not sure if that will be held up after all this, but hope) and there is one available, I just need to know how/where to apply. And there are a hundred or so places to apply in Waterville and Augusta, so I hope and think that with my job experience at this point I can get in at least one place to start. Then I'll worry about a second job. So, I should probably be worried that I won't find anything, but I just don't have that in me at the moment.

I am planning on going up to Waterville Tuesday night after work to stay with Allison & Becky (woop woop) that way I can get an earlier start on looking for jobs and apartments on my one day off for the week (coincidentally, my birthday [yes, bitterness]}. It's a lot of work for a single day, but we'll see what can happen, it's all I've got. I am doing some applying online to the more major store/businesses in the area right now. It crosses my mind today to that I just have to hope that with all the overtime I am getting right now (tomorrow being time and a half AND overtime) and with my tips that I will have enough for a deposit on an apartment. The concept of having to couch surf with my friends (it's sweetly been offered) even briefly makes me want to cry. I don't ask for help in that monumental a sense unless I am desperate and it guilts me into oblivion when I have to. Sooooo, fingers crossed and much faith in my heart.

The upshot of doing all of this on my own is that while I have my own personal deadlines for things I don't have to speed them up to make sure I'm out of anywhere at any point and time. I might just go to Ireland in October when it's cheaper and during a season that love instead of the peak tourist season when every price is through the roof in June. I can do that since I don't have to be out of anyone's house in a set period. Good. :) ALSO, I was going to go in June if I ended up getting a job in a school system so it would fall during vacation...but to be honest the more I think about the whole thing the more I suspect that I won't get that job. Just something to do with it being September already and my mother being out of school (in Florida) until Thursday (so not around to make/take phone calls in relation). But at least that's flexible now! I can save up enough money to make me comfortable with my budget!

AND I just need to say how thankful I am for this weather today! It's fall! I don't know if it will last for long before it's back to humidity again, but I was so thrilled to drive to work today with the A/C off because I really should have had a sweatshirt on and didn't! AND I'm so glad that I just had to come in from outside, because I was cold. :) AUTUMN is one of my favorite annual gifts!!! Where ever I happen to be and whatever I'm doing I am going to enjoy it every chance I get this year!!!


So much has been in the works lately.

Here's what's happening. I have come to realize that my new living situation isn't working. I pay too much for an apartment that I merely sleep in. It's pretty here, but I work night all the time and don't have the chance to meet new people and I am still unhappy. I realize that my choice to move at the beginning of the summer actually changed nothing for myself. All it did was serve to move my stagnant life from one place to another. It still wasn't moving forward. What I will say though is that it has accomplished a lot and I wouldn't change that I tried it out. It has given me time alone to think about my life without worrying about doing the right thing for everyone else. It has given me a big adult time out which I so desperately needed. And perhaps even more importantly, my family is happier.

So, I am moving again. Back to Waterville. I do not look at this as a failure, though just about everyone else does. I do no see this as giving anything up or as revoking my independence. I am reevaluating, backing up, and going at it from another direction. I feel lucky that I have chosen to fix the problem on my own rather than live another life full of misery and unhappiness. I have made the choice to acknowledge what I really want and to achieve and obtain those things without worrying about how it looks, or what I SHOULD do instead. First and foremost I am going to Ireland. It has always been one of the highest items on my list of things to do before I die - it is a dream of mine. So, I'm going to go do it and prove to myself and everyone who matters that I can do this. I can change.

I am currently trying to find a time to head up and look for apartments sometime within my new schedule that consists of 50 hours of work 6 days a week.

I asked my parents if I might move in with them for a limited time and they refused, reconsidered, and refused again. The reasons all revolve around the fact that I am a bitch and I never did anything but cause trouble for them. Mind that it took them 5 years to mention this. All the times I babysat the boys and cooked dinners and cleaned house were not helpful things to do. Those of you who have been close to me/us will see what adds up and what doesn't. Tom is the one that has really ripped wide open the seams, but I will note that my mother does not stand up for me. Someday she will realize that her silence speaks volumes.
We had our final discussion this evening and I am realizing that I have lucked out. Moving back in with my parent at 23 years old wouldn't work out. And let's be truthful - I am not the best I can be when I am with them long term. I should have known better than to want to be the scapegoat some more. That has always been my family role - in any family. I make it easy to focus on me and all my problems so that they will never learn to improve themselves. I always complained that they didn't say enough nice things, I see now that there just isn't that much to be said.
They are protecting themselves. You can't really blame them there. But they try to make it look as though they are also trying to teach me a lesson. They want to do the right thing for me too, they want me to be okay. Helping me to be homeless is a huge help guys - thanks. Here are the true lessons made plain - you can't always go home again...even when they told you you could. Having faith in yourself is grand, but to hope for others to come through for you is called trusting and that is the most foolish thing of all.

So here's what is good: I am going it alone. I have no place to live as of yet even though I've given my notice at work here and accepted my landlord's offer to revoke the lease. So, happily, begins MY life of making it on my own. What's truly perfect is that I know, FINALLY, where I stand and I no longer have to OWE them. They have done all they are going to do and I know that I have given too, they just choose to ignore that. What comes of this that I cherish is that I still know myself and I don't have to listen to people telling me I'm different anymore.
At the end of the day I love them. I always will. I will never stop believing that they are flawed more than a lot of people I know, but too privileged to ever see it/admit it. But they are my parents and they have tried. I still love them as much as I did. I still think as much of them as I always have - but the pedestal has been removed. We are equals now as much as it may pain them to think of it that way. The root problem of it all is that we are DIFFERENT. That they didn't bear me and raise me from infancy has allowed them to love me more than those who created me and regretted it. That they have spent many years in saving me and raising me has muddled things too much. We have all spent years trying to create what they would have created if they had had another child. That was NEVER possible and we just never realized that that is what we were doing. I see that now. I did need help. I did need to sort my shitty childhood out, but I needed to do all this to become Kelsey, not Abigail. I can't ever be Abigail Marie Misner - the girl they never had. What I can be is Kelsey Misner. I can be the member of the family who is different. I am skilled at being the black sheep and am happy to do so.

What amazes me is my feelings at the moment. I knew that I would more hurt than angry, but how fleeing the sense of being crushed was. Yeah, I will likely resent this for a long, long, long time. That is my way. I don't know that I will ever forgive it to be truthful. But even at this moment I understand their choice. I don't agree. I think it is spiteful and vengeful given the reasoning, but I see how they arrived there. I believe that they are teaching their children to be unforgiving. They have openly shunned "second chances" and allowed the boys to choose against it too. I hope that they will not end up so close-minded though. Here is what I resent - not that I was denied the chance to prove myself or to be a better person (yes, that is unfair, yes it bothers me, but finally it is going to save me), but that I am being painted poorly. I am most injured by the lack of acceptance of myself as a person. I always thought they were embracing me and allowing me to be myself - I was wrong. I may have just learned through the recent months what acceptance truly is. I may have finally just learned what it is to try to be changed even though this has been happening right along.

When I discuss with my parents I want to hand them a mirror. I want them to look at themlves in the face and say everything they are saying to me. I am constantly accused of doing and being what I ask to change - I see that. I do that sometimes. I learn to either change myself first or to shut up. But they have yet to accept their double standard. So it will not change. It's useless to enumerate it, but suffice it to say that in this family we certainly try to change in others what we dislike in ourselves.

Bottom line: I love my parents. I love my brothers. I suspect at least on of them loves me back. I disagree with them. I feel sorry for them in some ways. I am hurt. But I will never walk away. It makes so little sense to be more loyal to this family that I inserted myself
into rather than those who produced me, but this is how I know it is right and real...still after all this time. I still know that I have been blessed and that this was meant to be, because for once I feel there is no other option. You do not choose your family...even though it looks like I did. These are the crazy people I don't always like, but always love. These are the people who have been there, not always in the right way, but always trying and doing the best they could think to do. There is no sentiment I appreciate more than believing me (perhaps only once upon a time) to be worth the effort.
I am finished with trying so hard to be loved. After the last couple of weeks it has occurred to me that this is what most of the world spends their lives aching, fighting, striving for - to be loved. That is not what it is all about. It isn't important that my family loves me. It sounds cold, but it's true. What is most valuable to me and what is of the most importance is that I am given the chance each day to love THEM. That I am given every day to show them their worth and their meaning, that I spend every day loving them better is what is the greatest gift. Giving them that love and that whole of myself is what completes me. That is what will fulfill me in the end.

My best friend in the world is the one who is proving herself every day to be just that. This month she has officially been in my life longer than anyone else ever has. It's an amazing anniversary for us! 18 years! And there is a reason for that aside from pure, divine blessing. She doesn't always agree with me, but she lets me be me and do as I will do. For all of our outward similarities we are VASTLY different people. Politics, relationships, direction - all places where we differ/respectfully disagree. But we are a complimentary pair. Our chosen paths are day and night, but we each appreciate the other. She will let me make my own mistakes and she trusts that in the end, regardless of the outcome, I will make something good out of it. She is sensible, grounded, the voice of reason and I am winsome, flaky, risky. Tonya is the only person I have ever known who has accepted me FULLY and accepts every version of me I might throw out on any given day. She doesn't say I told you so when I mess up, she doesn't think less of me. Somehow no matter how many times I fail she never stops encouraging the next venture. She must somehow have the same vision that I do, the same faith that says that the journey may not be easy, but that's the beauty of it and in the end it will all work out. Even now, with things so rapidly changing, she understands that it was trying that was important - not the outcome. Even as everything is at the messy point before it comes together, she says it is okay and that's she's here no matter what. I would never make it without this woman in my life. I have always been grateful, I have always known her worth to me, but now more than ever this is underlined and enhanced. As everyone else looks as me as though I'm crazy and she stands beside me and says "They'll see". There is NOTHING in life more precious than this. Perhaps she will always be the only one who sees the good in me and doesn't feel the need to guard herself from me. Maybe her unwillingness to think that I would hurt her is what keeps me from hurting her. ("The only way to make a man trustworthy is to trust him."~Henry L. Stimson) Words will never be enough to explain the kind of love I have for Tonya Grover Beth Rocket Bean Grenier-Wright. The ONLY truly stable constant in my life.

So onward and upward from here. I don't need my family's financial support. I'll figure it out. I don't need their semi-faith in me anymore, I have enough solid faith in myself. I don't need them to love me, give to me, be anything for me. I need them to stand aside and watch what I am about to do. I need them to allow me to do for them the ANYTHING that I would do for them. I need to them to be there to take my love for all it is worth. Hopefully I have enough real friends at this point. Hopefully I can get by with a little help from my friends, because this is what I am going to depend on for a while.


What I Know...

Life is so uncertain. I think mine is especially. Whenever I make the decision to move forward, to make a change and do something different and positive it is like some wrath rains down and everything that can go wrong does. Silly things, things that are liveable and survivable, but hurt so deeply. I find myself here again.

There are things that I AM certain of though and they are traits, habits, wills, faults, and needs that are my own. That is the one mistake that people make when looking at my life - they think I am out searching for myself, when really I know myself intimately, comfortably, thankfully. I am like the rest of the world, I am searching for something, it just isn't the truth of my existence or what my soul is really made of. No, I am searching more for a time and place where I am able to be all that I am and be accepted. I am waiting to be known and welcomed and "normal". My desire and need is to find not who I am, but where I belong.

That which I am sure of are things that are not going to be well liked or believed by others, but are still what I KNOW to be true. Things like:
I know and accept that I am unstable, but am worse when medicated. I work every day to deal with my ups and downs and as time goes on I get better and better at coping. Good.
I am certain that I will not die an old lady at home in my bed. It will be tragic or it will be by my own hand. I am strong, but I am so tired already. Though right now I am willful and self-assured when it comes to facing life, one day I will tire through and through and I will prove where I lack the most resolve.
I know that I will always love too much. I will always subconsciously, accidentally wish to be treated and loved the way I do others and that is something that will never be. I set myself up in this way.
I know that one person will be enough, that if I were to find one person out there who can love me and care for me in the way that I truly desire and need - it would be enough. It would balance the rest of those who cannot be everything. One person can be enough in my eyes. But that he is out there, that I will find him - that I do not have faith in. I am not positive and firm that this will not happen, but I have a strong belief that it will not.
I am certain that my whole life will be change. I grow tired. I bore. I crave variety and newness. Not with people, never with people. But with my situation and surroundings. I am a traveler - a windy spirit - and now I am finding ways to allow myself to be that.
I am certain that my family hurts me and will never acknowledge it. I believe that in their eyes they have done enough through saving me and through physically nurturing me that all of the emotional thoughtlessness and injuries don't count. I am sure that they do not know of this arrangement, but they live it out every day. But I am also certain that I will NEVER, NEVER, NEVER walk away. I am SURE in every breath of every day that regardless of what we go through I love them at the end of the day and at least one of them loves me - that is enough, more than enough, a blessing. I undoubtedly will forgive them every trespass, because without them I am nothing and I owe them everything I am.
And finally (for now) I am certain that those who love me most - and I them - will never understand me. I have surrounded myself with wonderful, warm, loving people who are prone to having hard minds. My life is full of those who are more logical in their approach to living, loving, and emotions even though they don't believe themselves to be that way. I will be forever misunderstood by those I most need to know and understand me. Most are so unyielding in what they are able to see. Not so much narrow-minded as blind to other possibilities...and blindness is somehow forgivable.

I am currently afflicted with an inner turmoil that I don't know how to resolve except to swallow. I truly believe that, while we can encourage ourselves to think differently on situations, we are unable to help the root of our emotions - what we feel. And because of my feelings I have been injured multiple times this summer, more deeply each time. I have had SO much time to think. I recognize so much foolishness in myself that I feel certain I have given myself the chance to rethink my hurt. I feel valid in my pain. I feel as though I have been wronged. But what can be done when no one hears me anymore. I've worn out my chances to be considered. I have spoken out so much in the last years that now it dissolves away into a white-noise murmur like the birds. And again, because of the unthinking, unchangeable loves of my life I will always be wrong. No matter my intention -when I strike out and injure I pay, I am wrong, I am hurtful. When they so thoughtlessly inflict pain it doesn't matter because they didn't mean to or that's not the way they intended things to happen. All sin absolved. What a double standard the world is. But why so close to home?

Ah, one more set of certainties I left out, but perfectly left for last.
I am now living my life with limited "shoulds". I'm not worried about what people think I should do or what looks good or what's appropriate for my age. My life is my own, it is young and I will own some piece of it before I'm done. I face opposition right now, I am being perceived as impulsive, foolish, and weak. I don't care. I respect the opinions given me by those who are important to me, because I will always care what they are thinking and feeling, but I do not agree. I am not able to do what they think is the right thing, because they don't really KNOW anymore than I do what these plans will turn out like.
And finally, I live every moment of my life for love. I live to love the people in my life and to appreciate them for all that they are, to love the feel of the wind on my skin, to love the beauty of each day, and to love everything I can possibly fit in my heart. I KNOW THIS IS WHAT IT IS ALL ABOUT.

"If you wait to do everything until you're sure it's right, you'll probably never do much of anything."
_Win Borden_
I need to start making lists. Even though I don't ever use them, I keep thinking it might help to at least make them.
I usually make lists of everything when I am starting to feel out of control. That's probably not so far off in this case.

I started a really great journal entry (paper journal) today right before work and I'm really happy with what I got done, but having to go to work really interrupted my flow and now it's gone. Shit.

I'm rambling on at 1am, because I'm tired, but I don't want to go to bed. I've been sleeping on the pull out couch, because I can't sleep upstairs in my bed right now. I'm neurotic.

Holy Shit

So, it's been a while and a very full while at that.

Friday afternoon I once again failed a mission to motherhood. Another unintentional pregnancy ends in misery for me. It was a shock to find out, but I again warmed to the idea and admittedly got attached when I felt the little thing move. Not the greatest timing in the world, but I know that I want kids and if this was the way it was to be I would certainly work with it and feel blessed. Yeah, right. Apparently my blood pressure go too high and the pregnancy just spontaneously aborted itself. I managed to get myself to the hospital and while it was very painful afternoon, after a routine procedure - everything was "fine". It was a "clean" process and while I'm still very sore, I'm getting over the nausea part of it. I spent ALL day Saturday and into Sunday afternoon upstairs in my bed. I got up exactly twice for the bathroom and that was all. My Mom came down Sunday afternoon and dragged me back to reality and fed me. She took me to the movies last night and out for shopping today, because I'm past the stay in bed forever and dwell stage and I just need distraction. I'm on the mend physically, but mentally and emotionally I can't explain how bad things are. I just don't want to think about it, but you know the harder you try to avoid it - the more it creeps in. I don't know what I'm going to do now that she's gone and I'm by myself again for now. Something.

Out of so many tragedies in life beauty springs and this is all I can hope for. Devastation is the word of my life...once again...if you know me you're aware that this is a common theme. Worst luck of anyone I can think of at the moment - which my mother finally admitted. All I know at this point is that things have to change. My life cannot continue the way it has been going and I cannot continue to be the person that I have been. I can be better than this, I can make more of myself. I don't know how, don't ask me. I don't know when, but it has to start now. I've let myself slip so much over the last....long years, I don't know how long. It must end here. I can't take one more heartbreak like this. I really just can't. It will literally be the death of me if I lose another loved one or come so close to a dream only to lose it so painfully again.
Somehow I have a picture now. I have always known what I want in life, but now suddenly it is in a big, beautiful, crystal clear picture in front of my face. There are certain variables, but most of it is what I want and will settle for nothing less, nothing different. I don't dare to talk about them now for fear of them just being some foolish day dreaming, but someday when I'm closer I'll share it all - when they are more than dreams and have become goals.

It's amazing how clear I can feel when I am SO far down. It's amazing how few people will ever know that so recently I've been so completely ripped apart. I can put on a face for the world, I don't need their pity, I don't need coddling. Look out, here I come.
I don't think that I live because of an undying hunger for the future. I believe that I continue, because I don't know how to quit.

Oh yeah....


Venting Much?

I feel like there is so much I want to get out of my system and yet for once writing isn't the way to do it. I'm different now. I want to talk. I want to look my mother in the face and tell her to shut up and let me talk and not to interrupt and not to think about how SHE is going to feel. Just listen. The one thing I can't seem to get her to understand is that I am not asking anything from her except to understand. Except to get over herself for 30 seconds and think about the way I FEEL. She's always too worried about what I am going to DO or what I am going to SAY. I think she never even notices or takes into account what's happening with my emotions. That's what I want to be recognized, vailidated, heard, accepted.

I may have to move again. As much as I hate being alone, I have accepted that it is what is going to be for me for a very long time - perhaps forever. And since this is the case, I don't really want to leave here, but I can't afford it. I am so close, I am coming up just shy of what I need every month. Really all I need is a second job, but they are not coming fast enough and I am once again likely not going to make my rent...by like $100. I don't know what other answer there is then except to go somewhere where the cost of living is cheaper. Shit.

My family came down for Wendy & Kevin's big party yesterday. Sadly enough I kind of wish they hadn't. It wasn't fun. They didn't want to be here, which I knew from the beginning, but I didn't want to miss an opportunity to see them. Tom avoided socializing as much as possible, and I had to drag Mom around to be even NEAR people. And a couple of times I was going to go off and just leave them because they were being clique-y and remote and just go stand with other people and I even told Mom she didn't have to go, but she chose to. I felt SO torn. I might not be the center of attention at any point or the life of the party, but I do like to be around the people and listen and talk when there's chance - whatever just be social. But I also knew that my family came down here for something they didn't want to do to see me so I didn't want to keep leaving them. It continually amazes me that for two people who are so open and charming and supposedly social they are SO anti-social when they are around a person or two they don't care for. They are not social gathering people anymore I guess. They are too hurt my so much that they can't even make the choice to gravitate toward people they DO like in that kind of situation. Tom made a valiant effort a couple of times though, I have to he honest. All in all we should have just skipped it.

I'm going to lose my family. They're cutting me out slowly. It's not that they're doing thing without me, seriously. I kind of feel like they just keep putting me in all kinds of positions where it's easy for them to say something like "there she goes again". They refuse to admit that they were plainly and outwardly excited when I left and that suddenly I started hearing all about these fun things they were doing and how much better everyone was getting along. As though I am too stupid too see the connection, as though they are cold enough to say all of it and think I'm not going to see it. I am back to being kept undercover in a way. My family time will consist of going up to be at the house. I will not be invited to family gatherings or BBQs, I will not be invited on trips or vacations. And I am certain at this point, after yesterday, that I am going to always be the one making the effort. I am going to be the one spending money I don't have on gas and tolls just to sit at the house with everyone and watch TV.

Okay, Negative Nellie! I guess I'm just cranky. Off to do something else until work. Close. Shit.

Vent done.
I'm sitting at Starbucks killing some time. I am supposed to go see Harry Potter tonight with a few other geeks from work, but I just heard from the girl who was supposed to get tickets that she had a problem getting them, so that's kind of up in the air right now. I was just thinking though that before I got all settled here I should have ventured off and found some better cafe somewhere to hang out it. I really don't want to be here on a regular basis and I can't figure out why I showed up to spend 4 hours on my day off. Idiot.

Things are much better down here. We all knew they would get better, I've just been my typical impatient self. I've been here about one month and one week. I say already, but as far as adjustment and settling I suppose it's more of an only. I'm geting more comfortable with Wendy and Brittany and the chorus which is first and foremost the best part. I'm getting better at work and being more comfortable with the people there. I had a great weekend with Mom and Brittany and when I say "great" I really mean incredible, wonderful, and the best. It's funny how something like that has given me more confidence all around. I guess it's just a reassurance thing and being able to have them on my turf was unique to me and fun.

And so, as all these other things fall into place the things that have wonderful from the beginning increase their value. Waking up from a nap on the couch today to the sound of seagulls was completely uplifting. Sitting on my back porch late the other evening, writing while it was still light and looking up at the clouds filled me with such a deep bliss that quite literally a tear rolled down my cheek. I still ache daily with how much I miss my family and friends, but I suppose I could learn to live between the moments that I get to see them. I am high when they are here and the glow of their presence lasts a while after. And if I ever get my friends to visit me, maybe I will have less time to miss. Still my only visitor has been my mother...and Brittany who came with my mother. So - the rest of you are lame. I love and miss you - but you're lame. :)

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January 2010


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